My dear daughter,
I see your tears. I hear your desperate cries. I know your thoughts, even the ones that you can’t express to your loved ones.

I know you are overwhelmed. Life is busy and crazy and tough, and I long to hold you in My arms as you talk with Me – as you drive the children to school, or teach them spelling over the dining room table, or even as you lay your head on the pillow.

Those tears you cry? I catch them in My hand and count them. The sighs you breathe out as you wait for your child to come home at night? I hear them. When you are so upset and cannot find the words to talk with Me, I hear the prayers of the Holy Spirit intercede for you.

Dear child, My princess, I am working in you for great and mighty things, even though you cannot see it right now. I have loved you since I laid the foundations of the universe. I created you fearfully and wonderfully, and when I see you, I am so proud to call you My own.

I see that you are overwhelmed. I want you to know this: when you awake in the middle of the night, do not fret. I miss you and want to whisper My truths to you through My Word. Please get up off your mat and join me in the quiet stillness of the living room. I have such incredible things to show you in My Word. Truths that will edify you and draw you closer to Me.

I long to shoulder your burdens, to allow you to rest in Me. Child, I have created the heavens and the earth. I have formed the mountains and seas. I chisel each delicate snowflake individually and know where each wild deer gives birth. Don’t you think I am strong enough and big enough to handle your problems, if only you’d give them to me? If only you wouldn’t take them back?

Don’t think I don’t understand pain and separation, My love. I endured both on the cross as I was separated from my Father. I laid down My life for you on the cross and took it back up again after three days. I died to release you from sin and shame and I rose to give you life and give it abundantly.

You are My Child, a Daughter of the Most High King. Straighten your crown, my girl. Let me wipe your tears. Then hold your head high, with uninhibited joy, and know that I am with you as you rise in the morning and as you lay down at night. What you give to Me I will protect. I may take you through valleys, but know this: it is because I have made the plan for you and you alone, and I know what is on the other side of the valley.

I don’t like to waste anything. The trials and tribulations you experience I will use to encourage someone else, through you, later on. I cannot wait to see your face when you realize that!

I may say ‘yes’ to some of your prayers, and I may say ‘no.’ Sometimes, I will say “wait.” I ask you to have faith in Me during the times I say no and wait – and follow My direction when I tell you yes. No matter My answer, I know what is best for you – trust that, please.

Daughter, I love you. When I was standing in the garden after I resurrected, Mary did not recognize Me until I said her name. Do you know that as I stand at Father’s right hand, that I tell Him your name? I know you by name, My child. When no one notices your pain and hurting heart, when no one sees that you need help, when no one will listen to you – I do. I, Jesus, listen and hear you and pray to Father for you by name.

Let this be a comfort to you: that I am even now building you a room just for you. I’m pulling out all My carpenter skills and working it up, just for you. I am so excited about you seeing it! In My time, you will, and I cannot wait to take your hand and show it to you.

My daughter, I am always a prayer away. I am always with you. Always.
​
Love,
Jesus
 
By Terrie McKee
© 2018 Terrie Bentley McKee

A few years after the birth of my last child, I began to experience horrible abdominal pain. The pain soon gave way to other symptoms and my doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I continually had benign tumors growing on ovaries, and it was only a matter of time before benign would turn into malignant. I chose to have a total hysterectomy. 

A total, radical hysterectomy is the surgical removal of the uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. While the procedure cured the tumor growth and eliminated pain, bleeding, and the cancer risks in that region, I was unprepared for the sudden onslaught of menopause within six hours after surgery. 

This post may contain affiliate referral links as Near Your Altar participates in the Amazon affiliate program in addition to other referral programs. Clicking on and purchasing through these links provide a small income to me and my family at no cost to you. We appreciate your support. 

The intense hot flashes intermixed with incredible waves of cold coupled with sweating through my clothes made me nearly wish for a surgical reversal. I wanted my ovaries back! Without the hormones from the ovaries, my body was protesting on a cellular level. 

Plus, I was irritable. That's italicized because of the intensity of the irritability. 

No one told me that menopause would hit me six hours after surgery, or that it would be that intense in the days, weeks, and months afterward. It's been four years and I still have hot flashes and cold sweats, although no where as intense. The hot flashes would grow from an internal furnace I had no idea I had, and radiate out. Cuddling with my husband became a tropical nightmare. 

Something had to be done. 

I found these items helped me manage the menopause after hysterectomy the most. Because no one told me about these things, I want to make sure you know about them, if you're going through this. 

Washcloths and Blankets
Damp, cold washcloths put around my neck helped to cool me down, and they could be easily removed if a hot flash turned south to a polar trajectory. Blankets helped during the cold flashes. My hysterectomy was in a very warm May, and I wrapped up in flannel blankets. 

Visitors
One word: don't. The hysterectomy surgery recovery was one of the few post-surgical times in which I was incredibly uncomfortable: dealing with pain and soreness from the laproscopic surgical site,  then all.the.hormones -- I was in no shape to entertain well-wishing visitors. Some people brought food, which was great, but: suggest to people that restaurant gift cards would be better, and have a caregiver or spouse (or adult child) get take-out instead. 

It's not that I didn't like people -- it's just I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn't want to be near myself, let alone others. Did I mention irritability? 

Travel Pillow
You are going to want a small travel pillow or even a nursing pillow to cover your abdomen and protect it. The nursing pillows are something that you really should not give away. It's inevitable that someone will have a broken arm, tummy trouble, or something, and this pillow helps wrap around the abdomen. It gives a sense of a shield around your belly. 

Sherbert or Ice Pops
I found that snacking on a small bowl of sherbert, or an fruit ice pop, helped with hot flashes internally, more so than even drinking cold water. 

Supplements
I found some natural supplements that were miracles in a box. These supplements temporarily eliminated (at least for me) hot flashes so that I could sleep, and helped the irritability. I am not a doctor, and don't claim to be, so you need to ask your medical provider if taking a supplement is right for you, but they worked miracles for me. The ones I used are available here. 

Grace
Most of all, I had to realize that losing my ovaries was the cause of the sudden menopause, not my husband, or children, or an unexpected visitor that would.not.leave. I learned I had to have grace with others who were just trying to help me, and, I had to have grace with myself. Having a hysterectomy is often a traumatic thing -- for me, it was knowing having another biological child was out of the question -- so extending grace and even praying for yourself during this trying time are important. 

Please share below if you have suggestions to help others going through a hysterectomy [but please be kind]. 

In Him, 
Terrie

​(c) 2018 Terrie Bentley McKee 

Children seem to grow up so quickly these days. One week, you're tying shoelaces and wiping jelly off faces; the next, you're explaining to your daughter has she must wear a t-shirt over a two-piece swimsuit at camp. I recently took my daughter on a mother-daughter retreat to facilitate important conversations in a non-threatening and quiet environment. 

The two-night outing was so successful that I wanted to share how I planned a Christ-centered mother-daughter retreat, so that you, too, can have conversations with your daughter that lay the groundwork for future talks about purity, cleanliness, who they are in Christ, and the relationship both of you share.

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate or referral links. Affiliate links help provide for this website as well as a small income for my family. I did not receive any compensation for housing referral links, but refer them nonetheless due to the superb service, cleanliness, and charm of the accommodations. -TBM

​Granted, my daughter is eight years old, and you need to tailor the retreat's topics based on your own daughter. But first, the logistics. We went off for a two-night, three-day retreat, and that is important, particularly if there are other kids in the house. This is supposed to be one-on-one time, or if you have multiple daughters, consider bringing all the girls. But it is vitally important that girls get one-on-one time with their moms if at all possible. 

We stayed in an Airbnb cottage that I have stayed in previously for a writing retreat. As soon as Laura walked in, she was immediately swept up in the thought that this was a sweet and special time for just her and I. Although she had her own room, she hung out in my room a lot. The Airbnb had a kitchen so we were able to cook together, eat with each other in the dining room, and talk about each others' hopes, dreams, and aspirations. When planning a retreat, look for an affordable get-away whether that's a house, apartment, or hotel room. It doesn't have to be hours away--check your city for any affordable Airbnbs, which eliminate the mileage anyway, and bring groceries from home. 

To make this time fun for Laura, and so I could at least get some writing done, we stopped and bought a "friend" for her 18" doll, Ella. Although not from the expensive class of similar dolls, "Kate," Ella, and Laura had a wonderful time playing quietly, which is a rare occasion. It's important to mark this retreat with something special and tangible for your daughter so she can remember it with fondness. The doll and some accessories were the perfect complement to achieve that goal. 

The material things aside, over a dinner she helped me make the first night, I started the conversations about purity by telling her that when she accepted Christ as her Savior last year, that very moment, she became a Child of God, a Daughter of the Most High King, and in that exact moment, Jesus gave her the gift of the Holy Spirit, Who immediately indwelled her. "What?!" she said. "You mean the Holy Spirit is inside me?" Quickly bringing me her Bible (for some reason she wanted to see the words in her own Holy Word), she said, "Show me where it says that!" 

I turned to these passages and she read them, out loud, with a huge smile on her face: 

"Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.' ~ 2 Timothy 2:14

"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?" ~ 1 Corinthians 3:16

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come." ~ John 16:13

"However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him." ~ Romans 8:9

"I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns.He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. “He will rule them with an iron scepter.” He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS." ~ Revelation 19:11-16

and

"Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” ~ Mark 3:35


I told her that the moment she had accepted Christ as her Savior, she became a Child of God, a Daughter of the Most High King -- so, therefore, as a Princess, a Daughter of the King, I asked, how was she supposed to act? 

Laura thought a minute and said, "Like Christ. Serving Him by serving others." 

I also talked with her a little about purity -- based on her age -- but mainly kept it to the need to properly clean herself, health, and also, that she is to protect bathing suit areas. She is to sit like a lady (not like a boy who just hopped off a saddle) and to shine like the diamond she is for Jesus' sake. 

The retreat was only for two nights and three days, but the conversations we had were reiterated, prayed over, and talked about in various forms as we were at lunch on Main Street, walking though an antique store and other shops, and playing together at a playground. We prayed together. We hugged and snuggled and painted toenails and fingernails. She took delightfully long baths and enjoyed the soaking tub. 

This will not be the only Mother-Daughter Retreat we will have. These retreats will be annually, and will build upon one another. Childhood is so fleeting these days--it's up to us, Christian moms, to grab those moments and nurture them, to tell our daughters they are worthy, beautiful, and important to us, to our families, and to Jesus. 

In Him, 
Terrie


(C) 2018 Terrie Bentley McKee

There have been so many times in my life where the devil has tried to take something from me and you may feel the same way. Whether it be joy, a relationship, a desire for God; Satan is always trying to steal something from us.   
 
When walking through our journey of being a Christian we can sometimes feel alone. We may look around and see all these other believers in our community and in our church, that seem like they have everything together. They may look like they have all the energy in the world and you’re tired. They’re over there laughing with everyone and you can’t seem to find joy.
 
John 10:10 tells us that “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy…” At times, this seems more relevant than others. We can’t seem to find that spark that keeps us going. It may feel like our fire has burned out. There are times where we feel scared and anxious about what life holds.
 
In Matthew 26:36-39, we see Jesus facing something similar. His soul is troubled and he’s sorrowful over what life is about to bring. When reading this passage, it’s hard to imagine Jesus feeling this way. However, we’re not promised an easy life. John 16:33 confirms that we will have tribulation.
 
But what makes the Christian life worth it? Is there even a hope for us?
 
John 10:10 doesn’t just stop with what the devil can do; it finishes with what Jesus did do. The rest of the verse says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” We have a victory in Him and through the love that he showed to us that day on the cross.
 
Yes, the devil does come to steal, kill, and destroy but we serve a God that cancels out that evil and replaces with it a never-ending love and ultimate victory that we have through His Son! He has risen and forever will be! Today, don’t let Satan take that joy from you. Don’t let him steal your energy and hope. Do not allow him to burn out that fire you have for Christ.
 
“But take heart; I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33). The veil was torn, the earth quaked, and the tomb was rolled away! We no longer have to live in sorrow; especially if you’re a believer! Our Savior is risen and is not still laying in that tomb. The devil did not win; our God did, has, and always will! Jesus has taken back what the devil has tried to take from us.
 
Philippians 4:4 tells us to rejoice in the Lord always! God has taken it back!! So, rejoice in knowing that He has won and the devil is defeated.

- Abby
 
Abby Jarrell, 18 years old, is a freshman at Liberty University, majoring in graphic design. She blogs at Prospering in Peace.


 
 
 

Evangelist Billy Graham was laid to rest today at his eponymous Library in Charlotte, today. He grew up on a dairy farm just a couple miles from where I grew up in Charlotte. While I was riding with my husband and son to a wheelchair basketball tournament in Nashville, we listened --intently-- as our favorite radio station aired from Mr. Graham's funeral. The Name of Jesus was lifted high and glorious in his celebration of life: even in death, Mr. Graham was reaching people for the cause of Christ.

In the two weeks since his death at 99 years of age, there have been numerous television news accounts and specials about Mr. Graham's life from a North Carolina farm boy to a globe-trotting evangelist, becoming the Pastor to Presidents. His death and celebration of life have given Christians an opportunity to share the Gospel with people who ask, why the celebration? He's dead, isn't he?

His body, yes; his soul -- oh no!

Conversations will happen. This world is so broken, so starved for hope, that when hope and joy even in death are put on display, questions will be asked. As the Bible says, "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil," [1 Peter 3:15-17 NIV].

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have. For we do have hope. We do have joy. We know that this bleak and hard world is not all there is. While we may be sad that Mr. Graham is no longer with us, we rejoice in that he is now in the Presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Glory! What phenomenal things he is seeing! What wonder! Seeing the face of Jesus!

We as Jesus' followers also have this hope of heaven. We need to be prepared to tell it. What do Christians have? We have the understanding that these earthly bodies are but tents ["For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands," 2 Corinthians 5:1 NIV] and that our souls, if we accept Christ as Savior while in the tent, will go on to be with Him in paradise. Some people say, "I'm a good person, I'll go to heaven." You can not buy your way or act your way into heaven. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me," [John 14:6 NIV]. Jesus is the only way to approach God the Father.

Because Jesus took our sins upon Him and did a substitutionary death in our place, as the sentence for sin is death, we are clean through the blood of the Lamb of God. God won't remember our sins after Jesus has made us His through His grace and atoning death—all we have to do is accept it and believe that Jesus is our Lord and Savior.

Accepting Christ's death on the cross and rising three days later from death's grip means that He makes us new creations. All sins are gone, all shame is gone. We are new! 2 Corinthians 5:17 states, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" When I was younger I used to get hand-me-downs from my older cousins, and while I appreciated the clothes, I loved it when I received a new outfit. We can not hand down our faith to our children; they have to come to a new faith in Him and accept Him for themselves. Faith is a legacy but not a hand-me-down.

Faith in Christ gives us hope and a purpose that this life is not all there is. He makes His will known to us along with a promise in Matthew 28:19-20, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” He commissions us to go throughout the world and share the Gospel, and baptize in the Trinity's name, and teach others about Him. He promises that He will be with us as we do these things. We cannot fail when the Lord God is in the midst of the purpose and the master of the promise. So many these days are floundering, looking for a purpose in their lives. As Christians, we have a purpose that is made up of all active verbs: Go, Share, Baptize, Teach, Hope.

Because of His promise to always be with us, and that these earthly tents are not all there is to life, we live with Kingdom Vision that allow us to see past the sad death of a 99 year old man dying in his bed, and experience the glory this servant of Christ Jesus saw when called Home. Because of Kingdom Vision, we answer the question of "Where was God when all those children died a week before Billy Graham's death at that Florida school?" with this: Because of man's rebellion against God, sin entered the world. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God, and that sin has wide-reaching ramifications. Other people get hurt and die because of sin, even the sins of others. Where was God? He was protecting the large majority of children who did not get injured. He has been providing peace and funeral monies for the families of the children that were caught in the gunfire of the sin-filled student's aim. He was crying along with the students in the grassy areas. Throughout millennia and even today, humanity has consistently told God through actions and words that they have no use for God. They have made other things and even themselves their own gods.

Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me," [Revelation 3:20]. Jesus is a gentleman: He will not barge into someone's life. He will come in when the door is opened or when He is called. Humanity has made the decision to not need God, then question where was He when something went wrong? Maybe —just maybe— this world would see massive improvements and heart-changes if revival and a great turning toward Christ would happen.

Christians love but this love is not how the world loves. We love others too much to agree or affirm their sin-filled lifestyles, no matter what that encompasses. We love them too much to see them doom themselves to hell, so we share the hard things, the things they don't want to hear: that Jesus is the Only Way to God the Father and heaven. If they don't accept Christ as Savior, they will die and go to hell, to sit in judgement before God and have all their sins laid out before Him.

Christians will have this done to them, too: all their sins spread out before God and everybody, but then—from the right hand of the throne—comes Jesus, pouring a vast bowl of blood over the spread-out sins and saying, "Father, I have covered their sins with My Blood, they are no more!" And God forgets those sins. God, who knows everything, wills Himself to forget those sins because of what His Son did on the cross.

Christians do not want anyone to be separated from God, and that is what sin does: it separates you from God. God loves us so much that when His Son breathed His last breath, God Himself tore the veil separating the common area where the people gathered from the Holy of Holies in the Temple, where God traditionally lived, top to bottom. In one moment as Jesus died, God tore that veil separating His people from Himself. Jesus is the one Who made communion with God possible, through His death. We don't have to be separated from God because of Jesus.

Therefore, when we accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord our lives, we are no longer alone in this world without hope. We have Jesus and His Spirit to guide and lead us in all things. We have His protection, His power, His peace, and His presence. We have His provision.

Through Mr. Graham's death, we too can reach hundreds and thousands more for Christ in sharing the Gospel message he preached and Christ commissioned us to share. Let us not squander this opportunity Christ has given us to share His Name.

Amen.

In Christ,
Terrie

(c) 2018 Terrie McKee

I’ve made banana nut bread for a long time. This dense bread is made using baking soda, which helps it to rise a little. Yeast is used in fine breads like hot buttered rolls and croissants that are light and fluffy. It’s the yeast in these types of breads that make them rise, therefore: light and fluffy.

During the Jewish celebration of Passover, according to the Law laid out in Exodus, there is to be no yeast whatsoever in the home for the seven days prior to the feast. There was to be no compromise in preparing for Passover: all the yeast had to be eliminated from every storehouse in the home in ritualistic cleaning.

A biblical metaphor for sin, a little yeast can make a whole bowl of dough rise. Jesus warned His disciples to “be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees, “ [Matthew 18:5 NIV] regarding their teaching. He warned them because He knew the false teaching taught by the religious leaders was hollow and unsubstantial, yet, like yeast, a little false teaching would go a long way to getting the disciples off-center in their relationship with Christ.

That’s the way with sin. Once we ask forgiveness and repent of sins, we are not to intentionally bring sin (yeast) back into our lives. As we prepare to walk with Christ on a daily basis, any compromise of sin takes our focus off Him. A little bit of yeast can affect a lot of dough.

False Teaching
Any compromise of listening to false teaching leads us down a road that gets wider and wider, making more room for more sin to enter in.

What does this look like? Going to churches that embrace socially acceptable practices but are anything but biblical. Listening to pastors, themselves wayward in their walk, talk about what “their” god accepts — which is not the God of the Bible. The prosperity gospel, which says that Christ will bless you financially and make you successful, is false teaching that tickles our itching ears.

Christ Himself, the Son of the Living God, was poverty-stricken while He walked this earth. He did not have a home to sleep in, yet there are pastors who preach God wants you rich.

Buttery croissants may taste delicious, but they are not filling – just like false teaching that tells you what you want to hear. But bread without yeast, like solid and dense banana nut bread, will sustain you, like the Bread of Life, found only in Jesus Christ.

God wants you to rely on Him. God wants you to realize that He is the Provider and the Provision. He is the blessing.

Money is not.

Pride
Sin, like yeast, won’t just expand in one spot of the dough. 1 Corinthians 5:6 states, “Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough?”

When we boast in ourselves, we are having a pride-attack. We owe Christ everything--our skills, our talents, our resources. When we think highly of ourselves, that’s opening the door to compromise and sin.

Just as yeast puffs up dough to make bread, so does pride. Scripture states, “Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you. Such a person also goes into great detail about what they have seen; they are puffed up with idle notions by their unspiritual mind,” [Colossians 2:18 NIV, emphasis added].

Nothing can damage a congregation more than pride. A little bit of pride and a little bit of sin can corrupt an entire church. What does pride look like in a church body? Collecting glory for the congregation instead of God. Saying, “Wow! What an awesome church!” instead of “Wow! What an awesome God, working through the church!”

Just as yeast puffs up bread, so too will pride puff up a church, and make it seem better than what it is. Christ, the Son of the Living God, didn’t do this. Philippians 2:3-8 states:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death--
        even death on a cross!"
 
Do we have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, Who was God, yet did not use His Godship for His own sake? Should we then serve in His Name but point the glory back to Him?

What defeats yeast?
Do you know what defeats yeast? Salt. Salt has a “retarding effect” on yeast, meaning it slows its leavening rate; too much salt, and it kills it altogether.

What did Jesus say we are to be? “You are the salt of the earth,” He told His followers [Matthew 5:13a]. If followers of Jesus are truly the salt of the earth, there will be no yeast-sin in our churches.

The problem therein lies in the yeast of pride that puffs us up, making us think we’re in charge of God instead of the other way around. When we compromise on the Word of God, distort what it says, twist Scripture, and make God in our image, that is when churches are destroyed: because there is very little salt left to impede the yeast.

So, in preparation for this upcoming Passover—traditionally around Resurrection Day—let us throw out all the yeast-sin that exist in our homes, churches, and lives. Let us prepare to wait in eager expectation of Jesus’ will for our lives. Let us breathe in the sweet aroma that is Christ Jesus, and place on the altar our praises to His sweet Name.

In Christ,
Terrie

© 2018 Terrie McKee
 
 
 
 
https://www.kingarthurflour.com/professional/salt.html

My heart raced as I ran through the streets during the depth of night, dust flying in my wake.  I was out of breath, chest aching, but I knew I couldn’t stop.  What if I made eye contact with him?  What if another stopped me to question? 

“How could I do such a thing,” I thought.  In fact, I was pleading with my heart and soul to answer this question so emphatically that I didn’t know if I had just thought this question or if I had just spoken it out loud.  I was supposed to be the one that never fell away, the one who always remained steady.  Weakness of the human existence became real to me in that moment.  You would think that falling into the sea after moments of walking on waves would have been a wake-up call for me, but here I am.  Why can my heart not trust?

I saw the lame men healed, the children brought to life, the ear of the soldier look as if it had never been cut off, but I still struggle to believe.  Another gust of guilt overwhelmed my emotions and brought me to my knees.  Tears streaming down my face, I knew that it was over.  Any hope of an eternity absent of sorrow and pain was gone, ridden when I claimed to never know Him.  I wept as I continued my journey home. 

I tried to sleep that night, but the sorrow was unbearable.  I desired that morning never come because I would have to face the questions of my friends and admit my denial.  Flashbacks of conversations scrolled through my thoughts.  I remembered my initial meeting with Jesus.  I looked back on the promises I had made to never fall away and always remain faithful.  Eventually, after many hours, I fell asleep, though I tossed and turned restlessly most the night.

A while later, thoughts of the pain I inflicted on Jesus still churned in my memory and all I wished was to see Him.  To talk with Him.  To beg Him for forgiveness and listen to His Truth.  “Please, Lord.  Reveal Yourself to me once more,” I said aloud. 

Just then, Mary Magdalene and Mary, Mother of James, burst through the door with an energy and radiance that I had only recognized before as being in the presence of God.  Through cries of joy, they screamed that Jesus was alive.  They had seen the tomb and both repeated in awe, “It’s empty.  Nothing there but the cloth He left behind!”  Before I could run out the door, Mary Magdalene grabbed my robe and whispered, “The angel told us to tell the disciples and Peter.  He mentioned you by name, Peter.” 

Tears clouded my vision as I sprinted down dirt paths, leaped over stones and climbed through brush that seemed to endure for an eternity.  My name.  He called my name.  The two most beautiful words in all my existence spoken just for me.  As I arrived at the tomb, I entered to see only linen strips of cloth and a hollow tomb.  Jesus left behind grave and death, resurrecting His own life and bringing us (even me, the one who fell away) the most precious gift to be given and treasured: renewal.

Mary-Gwen Williams is a follower of Christ, wife, first grade teacher, worship leader and blogger from a tiny town in North Carolina.  She has a passion for teaching children and young women how to dive deeper into the Word of God.  She spends most of her time at church, shopping every aisle of Target, sipping Dunkin Donuts or crying while watching This Is Us.  You can check out more of her writings and thoughts at abidingandflourishing.blogspot.com.